Tuesday, October 30, 2007

OK

I just got back from the visitation for Charlotte. I am actually not home. I just didn't want to go back to my house full of life just yet. I think that I need a few minutes to readjust. I found my self rather short tempered most of the day and figured out why on the way out the door. I don't deal with death very well. I don't deal well with it at all.

Why am I the only one that can't stop the water works? Everyone else seems to be able to keep it together. There is something in the air of funeral homes that gets me going. Maybe I should hire myself out a a professional mourner. I could just sit over to one side and sob quietly. Blow my nose gently. Take a few gasping breaths and get everyone going.

Something else I noticed tonight....There were 16 boxes of tissues, but no trash cans. The tissues were even in lovely marble tissue box holders. Do you think that I could find a place to deposit my used ones? Nope. No equally lovely trash receptacles. I just had to take my grief with me.

It was a closed casket and so I am still having a hard time believing that she is gone. I know that she was in there though. Her casket was draped with one of her tapestries. It is one of the most beautiful pieces of weaving that I have ever seen. I had seen it before and though so then, so this is not some knee jerk response caused by an out pouring of grief.

And she has given me her loom. It is a hand built 12 harness countermarch. It is huge. And I mean HUGE. The fellow that built it for his wife didn't really know a lot about how a loom works. Charlotte and a mutual friend Jack have been working on it on and off for a number of years. Charlotte brought me on board this spring and I added my input. It worked well with 4 harnesses , and between the three of us making adjustments and suggestions, we have it up to 8 with a passable, but not great shed. John said that I could come and get it anytime with in the next 10 years or so, which is good because I really don't have any place to put it right now.

Charlotte, you weren't suppose to die this soon.

7 comments:

Valerie said...

Jackie, I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't chastise yourself for feeling grief any more than you would chastise yourself for feeling love and joy. For they are all part of the same thing: a caring spirit that is able to connect deeply with others.

May you find comfort in remembering the gift that Charlotte has been to you and allow those gifts to keep on giving through your creative work.

Christine said...

I'm sorry your friend had to go so soon, it seems that in the brief time she had here she was able to share with you her passions and she has forever influenced your life in such a positive way.

Teyani said...

and this too, is the caring for another soul. this is our compassion. it keeps us human - and while it does not feel so good, it is good. it is love.

Margene said...

I shed tears for you...for your loss. Good friends always go too soon.

B said...

(((((((Jackie))))))))

:(

Can we get together soon? I'm feeling the need to see my friends and spend time with them.

S

Liz said...

I too bawled like a baby as I left the funeral home, went downtown and had a big think. Had a conversation with Charlotte's mom about thier trip to Fabricville last fall, just about a year ago. She was so very alive then.
I will definately miss her

craftydabbler said...

I'm sorry for your loss. By letting out how you feel, you may be dealing with your grief more quickly than those who hold it inside themselves.

Also, thank you for taking the time to pop in and comment on my blog. I appreciate it.